Recently divorced and even it is hard for you and your kids you know that life must go on. It is not the end of your love life. If one relationship ended badly it doesn’t mean that you need to stay alone without a partner for the rest of your life. But what to do now and how to start dating after divorce?
Getting divorced in your 40s or 50s can have a big negative impact on your life and not just on you but on your kids too. What if you look at that from another perspective. You are more experienced now and you know what to look in your future relationship.
How to go through this period and start dating after divorce even if you haven’t been on a date maybe before the digital era and all these dating apps and sites that are present today. We live now in a world where every communication starts on-line and you should be prepared for that.
After many years in marriage maybe you are not sure how your kids will react on a new partner is it possible to live with another person that is not your ex or simple are you ready for a new relationship?
We will try to help you with all of these questions and to answer some of them we prepared some tips that will help you to start dating after a divorce.
How To Start Dating After Divorce
Don’t be distracted by chemistry
Attraction and chemistry are important in every relationship but you should know that chemistry is distracting and it lasts from one to three years before it wanes. And when this happens you finally will see your partner clearly, maybe for the first time.
Keep in mind that the sparks don’t ignite immediately, wait for a third or fourth date or even longer. Sometimes it takes some time to know someone before you feel attracted to them. When you are under the “influence of chemistry” your hormones are acting like crazy (you can’t eat, sleep, concentrate). These feelings can be dangerous and maybe the reason for overlooking your partner’s bad qualities.
When returning to dating after a divorce or a longtime relationship looking for excitement romance is understandable. Singles in the post-relationship situation think that immediate blazing chemistry is the key thing to look for. But chemistry can grow over time and usually takes more than one or two dates to begin to grow – especially for women.
Give yourself time and don’t rush
Take some time to heal and grow again. Get to know yourself again. Be aware of what went wrong in your relationship. Ask yourself “Have you made as much peace as possible with your ex and divorce”? Don’t just jump into a new relationship whether emotional or sexual right after a divorce. Considering every step carefully is the key.
A fast new relationship can make you feel better but the new lover can be “addictive.” Maybe it would be an escape from yourself, doing something with someone just to put away those bad feelings from the divorce.
Dating too early after a divorce can lead to “settling” and possible another failed relationship.
One thing that you can do is to write a relationship map. Identify what a new, happy relationship (marriage) looks like to you. It is important to know where you’ve been and where you want to go, jut like a road trip. Don’t jump in a new relationship making the same mistake again.
” I used to hope that you’d bring me flowers. Now I plant my own. “Rachel Wolchin
Find out what worked and didn’t worked in the past and put yourself in that picture. What part did you played in that divorce. Take some time to write your relationship map in a journal. Be honest what happened and how you want next relationship to look like.
Make sure your past stays in the back and don’t make the same mistakes again and again by choosing the wrong persons. Take some time to slow down the right person will show up just don’t rush.
Release your anger
By hating your ex-spouse you are doing just bad for yourself because it is a burden that is just slowing and poisoning your mind. That anger is something that will affect all aspects of your life. By keeping inside of you you are just making things worse. Release that anger and if you don’t know how to do that this article can be helpful: How to release anger and get control over your emotions.
If you can’t stop thinking or talking about your ex (or can’t stop hating them) take some time to process your feelings before getting back to the dating scene.
The hardest but at the same time, the best way to release anger towards your ex is to forgive. This forgiveness is for you to calm down your mind and soul. To get away those negative feelings about your ex and move on with your life. It is not always easy but be patient and take all the time you need.
Try Online Dating
Maybe you are not familiar with online dating because your last date was a long long time ago. But this is the easiest place where you can start. Online dating is one of the best ways to widen your search, let’s be honest chances of meeting someone in a coffee shop like in romantic movies are near to 1%.
There are many sites that you can use today for online dating and don’t be afraid to make profiles on some of them. You can meet some great people over there and who knows maybe the conversation there will lead to a real date.
Before you start with this online dating thing you must be aware of some things. Be careful there are always people who will pretend and their final objective is not you as a person but your money. Remember never give too many personal pieces of information and your bank account.
Today in this digital era there are many scammers online that are using every possibility to make money quickly. You are there to meet someone new and interesting for you, not to share your bank account or the apartment where you live and such things. Beware of married persons (you don’t want to ruin someone’s marriage), cheaters, and catfish-not real persons.
Don’t Complain About Your Ex
Do you want to hear stories about your date’s ex? No, no one wants to hear that on a first date. So you shouldn’t talk about your ex.
Stick the conversation to something interesting and if you forgot what it looks like to be on a date we’ve prepared for you first date conversation starters, read them be prepared. Remember it is not all about you. Learn to listen to your date he/she has something to say.
People will tell you who they are if you listen to them carefully. Don’t just wait for them to finish talking, listen to what they have to say. Listening is a proven way to make yourself more attractive to others as they feel special and heard. But on the other hand, if they are not listening to you (or asking questions) that could be a reason for concern.
When you are on a date (first date) listen to your gut. If your instinct tells you that there is something wrong end the date early. That is when you have a bad feeling but if your instinct says that there is a potential there don’t be shy about saying that you’d like to see them again.
Slowly Tell Your Kids About Your Dates
Do you have kids? If the answer is yes, then put that fact in your dating profile or mention that on your first date.
Dr. Walfish relationship psychotherapist and consulting psychologist on The Doctors say that “Too many people will dodge the fact that they have young children, worrying that it will drive potential dates away. But it’s better to know if someone isn’t ready to deal with kids right at the beginning—before you get emotionally attached.”
According to expert kids under 15 should not be introduced to your new partner until you’ve been dating for at least six months. Teens and adult children can be brought to conversation sooner. Introducing someone new to children can be really hard.
Remember that they are feeling bad too their other parent doesn’t live with them anymore. And this person that you want them to meet must be very special and be sure that they will treat them well.
When you are sure about your new partner slowly involve them with your kids. How to do that? Start by “dates” that your kids will love. Let’s say that they surely don’t like going to opera or theater but they will love to have a good time at a ballgame, seeing a movie, eating ice-cream..doing anything fun.
Talk with your kids let them express their feelings and worries. Explain to them that this new person would never replace their mom or dad. That they always come first and they are the most important thing in your life. It will be hard at the beginning but keep things slow and don’t rush them neither your kids nor the new partner.
Date Longer Than Two Years Before Considering Remarriage
By dating for more than two years you will get to know that person better. You will find out how do they react in difficult situations, how are they with your children, are they honest and determined to the relationship and all kind of things.
By spending more time with someone you will learn about each other much positive not just negative things. After these two years spent together, you will have a more clear picture of that person and can make the right decision.
Final thoughts: If you wait to come the right time you will never feel prepared to start dating after divorce. You shouldn’t be afraid of connecting with new people. Dating is a process.
Don’t try to speed up things, sometimes you will have perfect dates and sometimes they will be bad. But you are one step ahead from all out there. You’ve been in a marriage and you know what a relationship looks like and that is not easy. Just be patient and positive.
Nothing can happen overnight. Keep trying and the right person will come up when you don’t expect that. It is not just to be with someone, that “someone” must love you and respect you.
Find out more:
- 15 Warning Signs Of A Toxic Relationship
- 7 Couples Therapy Exercises For A Strong Relationship
- 5 Effective Ways To Heal Faster After A Breakup